JOHANNESBURG - Elizabeth ‘Tsontso’s’ Moselakgomo daughter may be eight and too young to understand what is happening, but she is old enough to know that her mother should have returned home.
When Moselakgomo failed to return home from her routine run, it was her daughter who alerted the family last week.
Her body was positively identified by her family at the Germiston mortuary on Monday
Now, after her mother's body was discovered in Kempton Park, the young girl is left asking the heartbreaking question: Where is her mother?
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Elizabeth's aunt, Vinah Moselakgomo, said the whole incident has been difficult for the eight-year-old.
“It's difficult for Elizabeth’s eight-year-old to come to terms with what's happened, as she still keeps asking where her mother is.”
Vinah said the situation is even worse as probe police into the murder.incident.
Grief Counsellor Dr Bêne Otto outlined the varied stages of grief.
She said that while it may be difficult to predict exactly how the child will respond, because children process trauma and grief differently, this incident remains traumatic given that the child was the first person to realise that something was wrong.
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According to Otto, the little girl may return to that moment and wonder whether she should have noticed sooner or done something differently.
As such, reassurance is important.
“Adults around her must reassure her that she did the right thing by asking for help and that nothing she did, or did not do, caused her mother’s death. The responsibility lies entirely with the person or people who harmed her mother, never with her,” Otto added.
This grief could hit even harder now as investigations continue. It will not only affect Elizabeth's child but the entire family.
“The family may also have to navigate grief alongside public anger and a need for justice. That anger is entirely understandable, but it can make grief more complex because there may be no immediate answers or resolution. It is equally important to normalise the experience of grief.
“Sadly, Elizabeth’s daughter will likely always grieve the loss of her mother as she continues the rest of her life without her.”
The family will also face the reality of helping the child navigate grief.
“Following an experience like this, Elizabeth’s daughter may become more anxious about the safety of other people she loves. She may find it difficult when a caregiver leaves the house, need reassurance that they will return, or fear that she could lose someone else. These responses are not inevitable, but they would be understandable following such a traumatic loss.”
Grief, according to Otto, takes shape in many ways as the child grows; it could look different and she may grieve her mother differently as she gets older. This will not be a failure to cope, but rather it can be a normal part of adapting to an enormous loss.
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“Questions about why this happened to her mother may also become questions about her own safety as a girl and, later, as a woman. This may affect not only how she grieves her mother, but also how she experiences her own safety, freedom and identity as she grows. We should not assume that she is thinking or feeling these things now, but they may need to be held sensitively over time,” she added.
Otto said the immediate priorities should be safety, stability and connection.
There should also be transparency about the incident, but these conversations should be handled with sensitivity.
“She should be allowed to grieve in her own way. Children do not grieve continuously in the way adults sometimes do; they may cry one moment and want to play the next. Play, drawing, writing, talking about her mother, keeping photographs and taking part in culturally or spiritually meaningful rituals can all help her process what has happened.”
“Early contact with a psychologist could provider her and her caregivers with guidance, establish a safe therapeutic relationship and allow her needs to be monitored over time," Otta said.
Otto advised families with grieving children to seek professional help if they identify the following signs:
- Persistent nightmares or intrusive memories
- Extreme separation anxiety
- Significant developmental regression
- Repeatedly re-enacting frightening events in play without relief
- Avoiding anything associated with the deceased loved one
- Ongoing self-blame; marked withdrawal or aggression
- Frequent unexplained physical complaints
- Sustained decline in functioning
- Or statements about wanting to die or join her deceased loved one.